At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
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If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
accurate
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
😭😭
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
based al yankovic
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe