At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Kermit goes Blue.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!