Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

do horses think humans are hats

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

bought wrong eggs