At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
You Might Also Like
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.