Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

A leaf blower, but for people.

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

No one:

London landlords:

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?