Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

This meal prepping shit easy

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

Truly one of the great bangers

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house