At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*![]()
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
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Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times