At this point, egging someone’s house could be interpreted as a sign of affection.
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“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
bad news gang
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
*feels butterflies
Butterflies: please stop
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one