At this point, egging someone’s house could be interpreted as a sign of affection.
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I’m good, thanks.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.