At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
