At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
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DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
My birth announcement for our third baby
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please