At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
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Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
my first day as a raccoon
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.