At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
This might be the funniest tweet ever
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
