Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.