At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
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[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Worlds greatest photobomb
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?