Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.