At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
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Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
