At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs