Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome