“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
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Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.