At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
🤣😂🤣😂
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.