At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
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When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train