At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today