At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
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If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud