At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
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Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
The USS B port
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Beware…..
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”