Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

life lately

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

The only equipped I am is ill.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

sign of the times 🖊

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …