Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.