At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
RT if you could go either way.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*