Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

this is the best interaction on twitter

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’