Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

Aight bet

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest