At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly