@TheAngryMailGuy

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

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@Reverend_Scott

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

@Thee1_4U

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.

@KindOfASmartass

I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored

@sadmonsters

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

@neonwario

Ah yes. I’ve linked my Twitter to my WordPress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it’s time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood

@jonnysun

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

@PinkCamoTO

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

@mommajessiec

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

@8bitf0x

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing