At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”