@TheAngryMailGuy

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

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@roxiqt

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

@slytherinstef

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

@rickolantern

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

@pixelatedboat

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

@junejuly12

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

@Bob_Janke

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

@zachreinert03

A friend asked if I thought there was alien life on other planets and I was like don’t give up hope, there’s someone out there for you

@AimeeHelene1

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!