Three seconds into a three way:
We need to hurry this up. I have to poop
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Ah yes. I’ve linked my Twitter to my WordPress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it’s time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing