At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.