At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
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Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Ghost costume 😂
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
can’t bark with your mouth full
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.