Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

guys i’ve cracked the code

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.