Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

socratic questions