At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…