At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
The booster protects against what, now?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is