At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Note to self: always read the final line
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.