at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
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“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions