Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”