Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

I love texting my boyfriend

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow