At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
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Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Strangers have the best candy.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes