At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
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Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?