At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese