We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
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“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My time has come.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
sir, my pâté if you please
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.