Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Oh yeh? Explain this then

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?