Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!