Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

Same post same

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

Beware of the “party goblin”…

Grandmother clock.

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

[adds another nod to the conversation]

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)