Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

Happy birthday to all the women

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

Why are bridges so flammable.

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.