Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now