At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
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I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.