At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
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prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Its a hippotatomus
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”