*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids