At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

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*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in


Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.


I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.


I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.


me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec


There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.


a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do



– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order



~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids