@RobertDowneyJr

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

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@Donna_McCoy

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

@unclesshane

in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS

@krispythehuman

How to use eyeliner:

1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids
2. Oops too thick, try to even them out
3. Colour your whole face in

@NotthatAdamWest

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.

@ThugRaccoons

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

@hopiecan

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

@lmegordon

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

@SaltyCorpse

“I like your face” sounds less creepy in your head than it does outloud.

@Reverend_Scott

“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”

No, you’d be disappointed.

“Wait-”

Because-

“Don’t say it-”

Omelette u down.

“Please leave.”