At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
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If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.