At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*files a restraining order against reality*
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you