Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*