At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
You Might Also Like
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
hackers play passwordle
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.