At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
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Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020