At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Yup….perfect score!
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
monday
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
This makes total sense…
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.