@MelvinofYork

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

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@OakHill_

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

@AndrewNadeau0

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

@bobinhiding

Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.

@prettysadmostly

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

@Mikecanrant

In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

@McGrumpenstein

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

@NamestartswithZ

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

@jake_likes_naps

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

@NotthatAdamWest

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.