At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
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Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
79.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.