At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
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At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
