Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

Banking tips

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.