Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir