Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

Pizza is an emotion right?

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

[ SEXT ]

Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?

Her: Footed pajamas

M: …

H: …

M: …

H: …

M: K, gnight

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

😩😩😩

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

I didn’t realize that was an option

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”