Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here