Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it