[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
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I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
This is so wrong 😂
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.