Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Received some very disappointing news today

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.