Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.