[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
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If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.