Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

genius

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

wtf is an acronym

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

🤣😂🤣😂

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

#ProTip

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.