Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

🤣