Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…