[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
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Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed